Bar-Jokes (A-B)- THANIKS TO MY SOURCE

$64k Question ***
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.
"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either partfirst. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the easier part first."
The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation......
"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"


A Pastor in a Neighborhood Pub ***
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"


A Texan at Pub in Ireland ***
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A Thief walks into the Bar ***
Two guys walk into a bar. One is a huge monster of a man, and the other a slight, small man. They walk up to the bar and order drinks.
About that time, a thief walks into the bar brandishing a gun. He walks up to the big guy, points the gun at his head, and says, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"
The big guy says, " I want to fuck everything that moves!"
The thief points the gun at the little guy and asks, "you've got fifteen minutes to live, what do YOU want to do?"
The little guy says, "Stand real still!"


Alligator Show ****
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.".
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".


ATM Card ****
One day, three friends and I went to this "Gentlemans' Club."
One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy. He got out his wallet, thought for a minute.....then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.


Bad Dog ***
A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".
The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work tofollow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"
"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"
The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"


Ballerina ***
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a drink, when the bartender calls who ordered a drink, she raises her arm.
A man across the road saw all this hair under her arm and came over. He goes, I'll buy that ballerina a drink.
The bartender asks how do you know she's a ballerina? The man replies only a ballerina can lift her leg up that high...


Bar Challenge ****
A man walks into a bar and notices a huge pot filled with money sitting in the corner. He asks the bartender about it and the bartender tells him it's the prize for a contest.
"You pay 5 bucks for a chance to win the pot, and to win it you have to do three things" says the bartender. "First, you have to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Second, there's a pit bull out back who has an abscessed tooth. You have to pull the bad tooth from his mouth. Last, you have to go upstairs to the bedroom. Up there is the owner's mother. She's 90 years old, and hasn't had an orgasm in 30 years If you can make her come, the money's yours."
The guy decides to try it and tosses his five bucks in the pot. He walks up to the bouncer and decks the monster with a single punch. Then he goes out back. Soon everyone in the bar hears growling, barking, and yelling, followed by whimpering sounds.
The fellow strolls back into the bar with his clothes ripped up, covered with scratches and bites. "That's two down!" he says. "Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"


Bar-room Footbal ****
A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise.. The bartender tells him that they're playing bar room football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.
He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.
So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point.
All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his dick up Larry's ass.
Larry jumps and says, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The man answers, "I was trying to block the extra point!!!"


Batman ****
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk... I mean really really really DRUNK. When the bar closed he got up to go home, and as he stumbled out of the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. Soooo he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well, the nun was really surprised...but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said......
"Not very fuckin' strong tonight, ARE YOU BATMAN?!"


Birthday Present ***
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"


Boasting in the Bar ***
A Frenchman, an American and an Australian were in a bar.
The Frenchman says "My name's is Pierre, I come from Paris and I have a swimming pool so big that I need a motor boat to travel from one end to the other!"
The American says "My name's Chuck, I come from Dallas and I have a ranch so big that it takes me two days to drive around it !"
The Australian says "My names Bruce, I come from Sydney and I've got an 18" penis !"
The Frenchman and the American look at each other and then the Frenchman says "OK. OK. I lied. My pool is really just Olympic size." The American says "Yeah, well, I lied too. My ranch really isn't all that big."
The Australian says "Ok. I admit that I lied as well. I really come from Adelaide !"


Bouncer Boyfriend ***
A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He goes to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your breasts!"
The embarrassed woman said, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if you don't leave me alone I will go get him!"
"Ok, ok, I will leave you alone.... I am sorry!!"
After a couple of drinks the man walks to her again and said, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman said, "My boyfriend is VERY big and muscular, and if you don't leave me alone I am going to get him!"
"Ok, ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again!"
A few minutes later, the man is blasted, and tells the woman, "You know, I would LOVE to fill up your love canal with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"
"Well... that does it, I am going to get my boyfriend... Now you are in trouble!"
The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend, "There is a man out there who said that he wanted to kiss my breasts!" Her boyfriend stood up, gave a little grunt, and rolled up his shirt sleeves.
"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!" Her boyfriend unbuttons his shirt to reveal muscles everywhere, and is clenching his fist and reaching for his ax handle.
"And.... he said he wanted to fill my love canal up with whiskey and drink every bit of it out of there!"
The boyfriend takes a deep breath, puts his shirt back on, and sits down and continues to read his paper.
The woman is shocked, and asks why he is not going out to get the man.
"Well, any man who can drink THAT much whiskey must be one HELLUVA man!"


Brain Pills ***
A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."
The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.
"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.
Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"
"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."