EDUCATION/SCHOOL-PART 2-jOKES

English Language *****
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.
There are neither egg in an eggplant nor ham in a hamburger; neither apple nor pine in a pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who actually WOULD hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
People, not computers invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Why is it when we are ill, we are referred to as being 'poorly', but when we are well again, we're never referred to as 'richly'? Or if an airplane has a near miss, surely that would mean it was hit?
And finally - If in England they speak 'English', why don't they call it 'American' in America, or 'Australian' in Australia?
Final Exam ***
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to write."

Final Examination ***
The blonde reports for his University final examination that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.
Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
I finished the exam in half an hour. But," he says, "I'm not going to finish rechecking my answers!"

Geography Lesson ****
Teacher says to Melissa 'Where's the Eiffel Tower, Melissa?'
'I don't fuckin' know, do I? Weren't me as nicked it.'
'Right, you bring your mother in tomorrow. I'm telling her you said that'.
So next day Melissa's mother comes to see the teacher
'Why did you want to see me, Miss Smith?'
'Your daughter, when I asked her where the Eiffel Tower was, told me, and these were her exact words: 'I don't fuckin' know, do I? Weren't me as nicked it.'
'Well, Miss Smith, she's been going through a hard time what with her Dad beein' took off to prison and all, but I can tell you this. Whether she nicked it, or whether she didn't nick it, she didn't bring it 'ome, at any rate.'
In dismay, Miss Smith goes walking down the corridor shaking her head. The headmaster sees her and says, 'What ever is the matter?'
'Well, Mr. Parkins, I just can't get over the ignorance of some of the children in my class and their parents. When I asked Melissa Kelly where the Eiffel Tower was she said she didn't know because she hadn't stolen it, and then her mother tells me that she doesn't know whether or not she stole it, but she didn't take it home. I mean, I ask you!'
'Hmmn, yes Miss Smith. I think we have a definite problem. Isn't Melissa Kelly that ginger haired girl with the pierced nose?'
'Yes, headmaster, that's her'
'Well it's beyond hope then. If she's got it that's the last you'll see of it.'

Girl with Big Tits ***
In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
So I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

Humorous Professor ****
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

I like the Way You're Thinking ****
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"

It Pays to Advertise ***
A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"
She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and, written on it, it says, "IT PAYS to ADVERTISE."

Learning ABC ***
The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.
The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead.
Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "Bitch." Instead, she calls on little Joey.
"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"
"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.
Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."
Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"

Making Faces ***
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned, Ms. Smith."

Math Homework ***
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... "
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Jones about Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.
Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

Moral of the Story ****
A second grade teacher was teaching her class the meaning of the phrase, "moral of the story". As she was done explaining, she asked if anybody could give her an example.
Little Jeffrey shot his hand up and said he had and example. "My dad is a farmer and he showed me one morning how the first birds to wake up could get the earthworms that were crawling around. By the time the rest of the birds woke up, all the worms were gone.The moral of the story is the early bird gets the worm."
The teacher smiled and congratulated little Jeffrey. She asked if anyone else had an example.
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last week, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. And the moral is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
The teacher congratulated Lucy as well and asked again if anyone else had an example.
Little Johnny stuck his hand up in the air and was called upon to give his example. "My Uncle Ted fought in 'Nam and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped before the crash, but could take only a bottle of scotch, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down, he drank the bottle of scotch. He landed in the middle of 100 Viet Cong soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but he ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher was a little shocked, but asked what the moral could be.
Johnny said, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Motivated to Learn Math ****
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!

New Math ***
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"