Bar-Jokes (G-S)- THANIKS TO MY SOURCE

Good Bar ***
Three friends are sitting around their favorite pub. The first guy says "Hey guys, I know this other bar where you go in and every third drink that you order, you get the next one free. On top of that, about 1/4 of the time I go in there, I get laid."
The second guy says, "That's nothing! I know this bar where you get every other drink on the house, and I get laid there about 1/2 the times that I go in"
The third guy, unimpressed, says, "Hell, I've got you both beat. I know of a place where you get every drink on the house and you get laid EVERY time you go in."
The other two say, "WOW! Where is it?"
The third guy responds, "I don't know, my wife won't tell me."

Had too much to Drink ***
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender,
"Bartender get me a tequila!"
The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says. "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts, "You! Your mother gives me a blow job!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says, "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!!" yells the old man.
So the bartender gets him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts, "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man. Then they say, "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

He Think He's Me ***
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the backseat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Pete!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Hind Lick Maneuver ****
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, -That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help.
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, Kin ya swaller? Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, Kin ya breathe? Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With That he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, -Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works

How Many Drinks does it Take ***
A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."

How Much Stronger ***
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

How to Get Out of Trouble ****
Two guys are sitting at the bar when one turns to the other and says, "Shit man, I'm in trouble. If my wife catches me drunk once more, I am in deep shit."
The other guy replies, "Don't worry about it. Have another drink and let me tell you the solution to your problems. This is what you do: first, have another drink. Second, when you get home, take off all your clothes, climb into bed and starting performing oral sex on your wife."
So the first guy has another drink and then stumbles home with this guys advice in mind.
When he gets home, he takes off all his clothes, climbs into bed and starts "going to town" on his wife. She is loving it! She is moaning and groaning, grabbing his hair and going nuts. After about fifteen minutes of this, he stops, gets out of bed and goes to take a shower.
As he enters the shower, his wife is exiting the bathroom. Stunned, the guy yelps out loud and says, "what the hell are you doing here?"
His wife replied, "Hush! You'll wake up my mother."

Huge Mascular Man ***
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded,whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Jesus in a Bar ****
An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar. "Is that Christ our Lord?" he asks the bartender. "Yes it is," the bartender replies. "Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too," the Irishman responds.
They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks inand orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus. "Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?" he asks the bartender. The bartender replies in the affirmative. "Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers.
Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. "Gimme a cold one, bartender," the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."
Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them.
He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.
Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life.
Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away.
"Don't touch me!" he screams. "I'm on disability benefits!"

Loaded Gentlemen ***
The two loaded gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.
"I've an idea." said one, "lesh have one more drink and then go find us shum girls,"
"Naw," replied the other. "I've got more than I can handle at home."
"Great ! " replied the idea man, " then lesh have one more drink and go up to your place,"

Long Time at Sea ****
Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

Magic Bitter ****
A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter is it?"
He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter.
So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having." She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you've been drinking"

Name Your Penis ***
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies.'" The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to his left, with a smile, looks back and says, "'Timex.'"
The Thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "'Ford', because quality is Job 1," Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to The bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why 'Secret'?"
The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

Poor Guy ****
Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps next to him, and drinks what he was staring at. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll pay you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just runs away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, to this bar. And when I was thinking about getting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison cocktail I just mixed..."
Six Inches from the Ground ****
A small balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.
The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!"
The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighborhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady cann't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."
"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost hisWRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't belive that you arejust a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST placehe would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no,I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in thelock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging thereby my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at thispoint.""Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out,'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'""The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.'Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off thecloset and throw it acrossthe room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hearhim lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hideunder there either.""Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Ohboy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard todistract him and convince him to stop looking.""Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for along time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when allof a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the windowright on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns allover my scalp and shoulders!"The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE.""No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guystarts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look atmy fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass."The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I canunderstand why you are so UPSET.""No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally pissyou off?""Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down,and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

Size of Dick ***
A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar, "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed."
"Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches."
"Wow, around?"
"No, ma'am. Through."
"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?"
"It's 28 inches."
"Around?"
"No, ma'am. Through."
"Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your dick."
"You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!"
"Wow," said the woman. "Through?!"
"Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!

Skills as a Hunter ****
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared," And shot with a .22 rifle."
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said. "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole, said "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily. "From me, of course."
"But what did I do?" he asked.
She replied "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an axe!"