COWBOYS/INDIAN-JOKES

Billy the Kidd ***
Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.
One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off.
He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd.
He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"
Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"
Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.
Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."
Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.
Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."
Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"
Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."
Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"
Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."
Bowels not Move ***
Once there was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighboring town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as a doctor's office.
The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says, "Bowels not move". So the doctor gives him a pill. The messenger takes the pill back to the chief.
The next day, the messenger is back, and says , "Bowels still not move". So the doctor gives him a stronger pill.
The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back "Bowels STILL no move" So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.
The next day, the messenger comes back, and says "Bowels HAD to move. Tepee full of shit"

Everything's Big ***
There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny so decided to stay a while.
That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.
After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being big.
"Yes ma'am" said the cowboy, " I mean everything."
After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the cowboy asked, "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"

Hot Day in Texas ***
On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.
"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.
"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.
The old man asked, "Does that help?"
The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

How Indians are Named ****
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Indian Headdress ****
A female reporter was doing a documentry on American Indians, when the question arose "Why they had so many feathers in their headdress?"
Reporter (asking one brave) "Why do you have one feather in your headdress?" Brave: "Me have one squaw."
The reporter figures that this did not have everything to do with it.
Reporter: (to another brave) "Why do you have four feathers in your headdress?"Brave: "Me have four squaws."
Report says to herself "I KNOW that can't have everything to do with it". So she goes to Big Chief.
Reporter: "Big Chief, Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"Big Chief: "Me Big Chief, me fuck em all, fat, skinny, tall. Me Big Chief, me fuck em all.
Reporter: "You should be hung!"Big Chief: "Me is hung like the buffalo."
Reporter: "Why so hostile?"Big Chief: "Hostile, doggy style, kitty style me Big Chief me fuck em all!"
Reporter: "Oh Dear!"Big Chief: "No deer, asshole too tight, runs too fast!!"

Indian in Horseback ***
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. Right away she noticed the Indian was trying to get the horse to trot. If the horse slowed to a walk the Indian would kick it; if it started to lope he would slow it down. The jiggling up and down was a little much, but she didn't want to complain. After all she did have the saddle horn to hang onto.
The ride was uneventful otherwise except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, " that Indian was riding bareback.".

Indian Mating Season *****
Two Indians and a computer geek were walking along in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The geek was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something? "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he went.
The geek started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger than the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well... he took off up the hill at a super AST speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read,
NAKED COMPUTER GEEK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!

Indian Watch *****
The cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing. There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
"What are you doing?" the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, "Me tell time."
"OK. If you are so good, what time is it?"
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, "It 2o'clock."
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, "By Golly, you are right!" The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.
"Don't tell me.... You telling time also?"
The Indian looks up at him and says, "Yes, me telling time."
"Okay smart ass, what time is it?"
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, "It 4'clock."
The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
"Don't tell me you are telling time!!??"
Indian looks up at him and says, "No, me winding watch!"

Price of Women in Texas ***
Back in the good ol' days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.
The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the spot.
The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"

Real Cowboy ***
An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

What's your IQ? ***
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"

Who Stole my Horse ***
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."