A Musical Discovery ***
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams.
He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."
Anatomy Class ***
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."
Animal game ****
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
Applied Psychology ***
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza.
"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?"
"Applied psychology."
Biology Class *****
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar?"
"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of he class.... Never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat".
Children of Israel ***
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea,right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Cildren of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin"?
Class on Observation ***
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Class Photograph ***
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."
Confused About Jesus Christ ****
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Creative Writing ****
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion- royalty- sex- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Creative Writing ****
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion- royalty- sex- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Creative Writing ****
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion- royalty- sex- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Creative Writing ****
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion- royalty- sex- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
Dating Rules in College ***
In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.
In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"
In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.
In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.
In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish last.
In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names. IT ALWAYS SEEMS MEANINGLESS TO AT LEST ONE OF THE PARTNERS!
In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather
DEFINITIONS **
Actor -- A man who tries to be everything but himself.
Adult -- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
Advice -- The one thing which is "More blessed to give than receive."
Average Man -- One who thinks he isn't.
Bank -- An institution where you can borrow money if you can present sufficient evidence to show that you don't need it.
Bigamist -- One who makes the same mistake twice.
Bore -- One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.
Bridge -- A card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal.
Broadway -- A place where people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like.
Budget -- A method of worrying before you spend instead of afterward.
Childish Game -- One at which someone beats you.
Civilization -- A process of creating more needs than means to supply.
Committee -- A body that keeps minutes and wastes hour.
Conservative -- A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Creditor -- A man who has better money than a debtor.
Criminal -- One who gets caught.
Courtship -- The period during which the girl decides whether or not she can do any better.
Critic -- A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.
Diamond -- A woman's idea of a stepping stone to success.
Economy -- Denying us a necessity today in order to buy a luxury tomorrow.
Egotist -- A man who tells you those things about himself which you intended to tell him about yourself.
Desert Survival ***
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
No comments:
Post a Comment