JOKES-PART 1

CANNIBAL JOKES
Cannibal Fruit Test ****
Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

Two Cannibals ***
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Unga Bunga ***
This guy is walking through the Amazon. He's exhausted his food and water supplies and is starving. When he thinks he just can't go on, he finds himself surrounded by a tribe of cannibals, all with huge loin-cloths that can't hide their even huge dicks.
The man is taken to the village, given food and water, and is then brought before the chieftain. The chief, who has the largest dick in the village, says to him:
"Right, white man. We are going to give you a choice. You can either be roasted and eaten alive or experience Unga Bunga."
The man, obviously not stupid, first asks what Unga Bunga is.
"It consists of being fucked in the ass by all members of the tribe, white man," the chief replies with a huge grin.
After thinking it over, the man decides to go for the butt-fuck. So he kneels down and all the men line up behind him and fuck him till he's screaming with pain. After a couple of hours the torture stops and the man is free to go. Bleeding from his ass he crawls off into the rainforest.
A couple of days later he's lost. No food, no water. His ass has healed by now, but what good will that do him?
At night he's discovered by another tribe, who take him to their village. Again he is given the choice between death and Unga Bunga. And again, after much consideration, he chooses Unga Bunga. All night long the cannibals have their way with him and in the morning he's free to go.
The next day the man - lost, starving and about to die is AGAIN taken capture, this time by a tribe with dicks that touch the ground. AGAIN he's given the choice: death or Unga Bunga. Deciding he's had enough and won't be raped again, the man says to the chief:
"Go ahead. Burn me, eat me. I'm ready to die."
The chief, much impressed by the man's bravery, replies:
"All right, white man. But first.....UNGA BUNGA!
CLINTON

11th Commandment ****
Last week, God, His Faithful Son, the Pope and Moses and His Messenger Gabriel had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the President of the United States' inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across to him.
The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they concluded that number 11 should read:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

Bill and Jerry ***
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having".

Bill Clinton's Clock *****
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged"
The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock"
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What is the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.

Box Under the Bed ****
Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Clinton and the Pope in Heaven ***
On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell.
IN HELL:
The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.
Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.
The Pope: Worry not, my son.
24 hours later:
Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here.
The Pope: Sure thing.
On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.
The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.
Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

Clinton in a French Restaurant ****
Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Mexican President Ernesto Zedilo and American President Bill Clinton are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks, "Le cafe"?All of them answer, "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Zedilo, "Le tequila?"Zedilo answers, "Oui!"
The waiter looks at Yeltsin, "Le vodka?"Yelstin answers, "Oui!"
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, "Le whiskey?"Clinton answers, "PLEASE, DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!"

Clinton in Heaven II ****
Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate --approached the gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Clinton in Hell *****
Clinton dies and goes to hell...
The Devil being amused by Clinton and all he's done up here, decides to give him a break.
"Just for you, cuz I've had so much pleasure in watching all your wrong doings. I am going to let you decide where you would like to spend your eternal life, you'll have a choice of three doors to peek in to, what ever door you chose, that will be your 'new home' FOREVER.
Clinton thanks the Devil for his kindness and the proceed down the hall until they come upon the first door.
They peek in... Charles Manson is tied to a stake burning to death. "N..N.. No way" says Clinton.
They approach the second door. Clinton's lawyer is tied up ready to be drawn and quartered, "Bastard" says Clinton "He deserves it... but this is still not for me" "Ok" says the Devil.
They finally reach the third door, the Devil opens it, much to Clinton's surprise he sees Ken Starr shackled to the wall and Monica is kneeling down in front of him doing what she does best. "Ohhh hellllll...... yes!!!!!" says Clinton "This is definitely where I want to be!!!"
"Are you absolutely sure?" asks the Devil, "Once you go through there's no turning back". "I am sure?" replies Clinton. "Well... of course I'm sure... in fact I'm looking forward to it... you know you're not such a bad guy after all", says Clinton beaming with pleasure, patting the Devil on the back.
So they proceed through the door, Clinton starts to unbutton his pants, the Devil walks over to Monica and kicks her to one side. "Get up" he commands "Your replacement is here!!"

Clinton in State Dinner****
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner, when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse, until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Clinton's Name in Snow ****
President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow.
Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this.
The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.
"OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news."
The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."
This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.
The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hillary's hand writing".

Clinton's Out Jogging ****
President Clinton went on his usual morning jog when he kept noticing a prostitute standing on the same corner every day.
"Hey, there! How much?" he yells. She replies, "$100!"
"But I never carry more than $20 on me at a time," said the president.
"Sorry, honey," the whore replied.
The next day he goes jogging again and again she is standing on the same corner.
"Hey, there, how much today?" the president asks. "I told you $100!"
The president moved on.
The next day Hillary wanted to lose some flab on those fat thighs so she went along. As they came up on that same corner, the president noticed that the whore was there again and quickly turned his head towards Hillary to try to ignore her.
The whore sees our president and yells, "Hey, you cheap bastard. See what you get for $20."

Example of Tragedy ****
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street, then a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved - that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Little Johnny, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss"

Hillary Gets Pregnant ***
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.
Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU #$@?!#$%@?*& GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is this???"

Pope Meet with President Clinton ****
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Talking Parrot II ****
Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot.
"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.
"Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?", she asked.
"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him anyway," she said.
"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.
When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird.
The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."
Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird.
"New house, new whores," the parrot observed.
At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. After a while the President entered the living quarters.
The parrot said, "Hi Bill."

White House Urinator ***
Bill Clinton is looking out of the window of the oval office and he notices that someone has urinated the message, 'BILL SUCKS!' on a wall outside the White House.
Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and to find the culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. 'Mr. President, I have good news and bad news,' he says. 'The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole.'
'And the bad news?' Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, 'Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!'