DEATH & LATER -JOKES

Adultery ****
There were three guys that died and went to heaven.
The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."
The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts Laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"

Bad, Good and Great News ***
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Bell Ringer ***
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

Bill Gates in Heaven ***
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he was met by Saint Peter.
Saint Peter said, "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your backside and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here! Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault-tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
Saint Peter said, "Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!"
Saint Peter and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... Macintoshes .... .... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Saint Peter.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Saint Peter. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ... GO TO HELL!"

Bill Gates in Hell ****
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
Lucifer: That was Bill Gates! Why did you give him the best place of all? Satan: That's what everyone thinks!
Lucifer: What about the PC?Satan (laughing): It's got Windows 95! And it's missing three keys!
Lucifer: Which three? Satan (screaming): Control, Alt and Delete!

Clinton and the Pope in Heaven ***
On the same day, the Pope and Bill Clinton died. There was a major screw up. By accident, Bill Clinton was sent to heaven, while the Pope was sent to hell.
IN HELL:
The Pope: Excuse me Satan, there must be a great deal of confusion. I have lived my life as a servant of the Lord. There must be a slight misunderstanding. I should be in heaven with God.
Satan: I can't believe they messed up again. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact heaven, but it's going to take 24 hours before we can fix it.
The Pope: Worry not, my son.
24 hours later:
Satan: Once again, we're sorry. You can leave now. Just make sure you tell Clinton to come here.
The Pope: Sure thing.
On the way to heaven, the Pope meets up with Clinton, half-way.
The Pope: There was a mix up. You have to meet with your destiny. I, being highly religious, would take the fall for you. But my final dream is to meet the Virgin Mary.
Bill Clinton: Thanks for the sympathy, but you're a day late.

Clinton in Heaven II ****
Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate --approached the gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton"
"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Clinton in Hell *****
Clinton dies and goes to hell...
The Devil being amused by Clinton and all he's done up here, decides to give him a break.
"Just for you, cuz I've had so much pleasure in watching all your wrong doings. I am going to let you decide where you would like to spend your eternal life, you'll have a choice of three doors to peek in to, what ever door you chose, that will be your 'new home' FOREVER.
Clinton thanks the Devil for his kindness and the proceed down the hall until they come upon the first door.
They peek in... Charles Manson is tied to a stake burning to death. "N..N.. No way" says Clinton.
They approach the second door. Clinton's lawyer is tied up ready to be drawn and quartered, "Bastard" says Clinton "He deserves it... but this is still not for me" "Ok" says the Devil.
They finally reach the third door, the Devil opens it, much to Clinton's surprise he sees Ken Starr shackled to the wall and Monica is kneeling down in front of him doing what she does best. "Ohhh hellllll...... yes!!!!!" says Clinton "This is definitely where I want to be!!!"
"Are you absolutely sure?" asks the Devil, "Once you go through there's no turning back". "I am sure?" replies Clinton. "Well... of course I'm sure... in fact I'm looking forward to it... you know you're not such a bad guy after all", says Clinton beaming with pleasure, patting the Devil on the back.
So they proceed through the door, Clinton starts to unbutton his pants, the Devil walks over to Monica and kicks her to one side. "Get up" he commands "Your replacement is here!!"

Cookies for the Funeral ***
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."

Deathbed Confession ***
Sharon was on her deathbed, with her husband Martin at her side. He held her cold hand as his silent tears streamed down his face.
"Burt," she said, weakly.
"Hush," he interrupted. "Don't talk."
But she insisted. "Martin," she continued. "I have something to confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Martin. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Martin, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Martin stroked her hand. "Now, Sharon, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I have poisoned you?"

Dying Irishman ****
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.
Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brian walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.
"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Farmer's Mother in Law ***
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'
The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

God's Car **
An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display.
Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display."
Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died?
"No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends."

Gone but not Forgotten ***
Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished.
John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy."
Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do."