Terrific Smell ***
This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
The Beers are on me ***
Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."
The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"
Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fucking fortune....both of then were pregnant!"
The Best At ****
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar in Newark, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.
He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you're a prostitute?""Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?""I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there."
"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?""You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
"Last night was incredible!""Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."
"How much is that?""$500"
"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!""You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building."I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints — twice.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.
"You see that island?"
"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"
She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
The Bet Maker ***
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar.
The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"
The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."
The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!"
The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."
The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."
After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"
The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.
With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!"
Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."
The WIFE ***
Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?"
The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"
She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
This is a Stick Up ***
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with aski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
Three Balls ****
A man who was very depressed met his friend Jerry J., who was a very sharp thinker.
"What's the matter'" Jerry J. asked.
"I'm despondent. I can't adjust to the fact that I've got three balls."
"Three balls'" said sharp Jerry. "Kid, we can make a fortune together!"
"How?" asked the other fellow, brightening up.
"We'll go to the bar after bar and bet everybody around that between you and the bartender you've got five balls! It can't miss!"
"Let's go," said the man.
So they went into the first bar, and Jerry J. made friends with the strangers at the bar. Then he made the announcement: "I'll bet anybody in the place that between my friend here and the bartender they've got five balls."
Nearly everyone rushed forward to cover the bet.
Jerry looked at the bartender who was shaking his head.
"You don't mind being part of the wager, do you?" Jerry asked.
"Not at all," the bartender said. "I'm very impressed.
"How do you mean?" Jerry asked.
"Well, up to now I've never met a man with four balls. I've only got one."
Three Ducks in the Bar ***
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day".
Three Tough Cowboys ***
There was these three tough cowboys sitting in a saloon feeling pretty thirsty. So the first tough cowboy goes up to the bar.
First tough Cowboy, "Three beers for three tough cowboys." Barman, "So you think your tough do you."
The first tough cowboy doesn't say a word he takes off his glove and places his hand on the bar, gets out his colt 45. The barman jumps backwards. First tough cowboy, "Shoot my finger off." The barman grab the gun "bang" shoots his finger off. The first tough cowboy doesn't say a word just puts his glove on and stands at the bar.
Barman says, "Now that's the toughest thing I have seen today, here's your three beers."
The first tough cowboy grabs the beers and takes them to the table. They finsh them in one go. Then the second tough cowboy gets up and moves across to the bar.
Second tough cowboy, "Three beers for three tough cowboys." Barman says, "So you think your tough do you."
The second tough cowboy doesn't say a word he takes off his boot and sock and places his foot up on the bar, gets out his silver colt 45 and places it on the bar. Second tough cowboy, "Shoot my toe off." "Bang" the barman shoots his toe off. The second tough cowboy doesn't say a word just puts his sock and boot back on without making a sound.
Barman says, "Now that is tough here's your three beers on the house."
The second tough cowboy takes them back to the table and they empty them in one go.
The third tough cowboy gets up and approaches the bar he walks up one hand on his hip and the other swing quiet outrageously.
"Three beers for three tough cowboys, pleeeasse""So you think your tough do you"
The third tough cowboy doesn't say a word just undoes his fly and flops his dick onto the bar. Shocked the barman cries, "You don't want me to shoot that off do you?"
"No just touch it a few times and it will shoot it's self off."
Three Tough Mouse ***
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies. "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Trying to get the Date Drunk ***
A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his hand.
He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's going on.
"Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"?
The man smiles at him , winks and says "I'm trying to get my date drunk".
Two Men at a Bar ***
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."
Two Salesman in a Bar ****
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass!"
Too late -- he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
Warm Beer ***
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks: "okay, business is business" and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 note. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: "there is your fucking change!"
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: "Gimme another beer!"
Weird Family ***
A regular customer walked into a gay bar and ordered three martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" asked the bartender. "I've had quite a shock," the man confessed. "I just found out my brother's a queer." "Could be worse," the bartender pointed out. "Yeah, I suppose you're right...but my other brother's gay, too." The bartender raised his eyebrows. "Doesn't anyone in your family go for women?" "Yeah...my sister."
A different version of the above...
A customer walked into a bar and ordered three martinis in a row. "Say, anything wrong?" asked the bartender. "I've had quite a shock", the man confessed, "I just found out my brother's a queer"
The next day the same man walked in and ordered three martinis in a row. "What's wrong today?" asked the bartender. "Yeah, I just found out my son was gay!"
The third day, he came in and once again, ordered three martinis "Jeez doesn't anyone in your family like women?", asked the bartender "Yeah", replied the man, "my wife!"
What's that you have on ***
This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
When does the Bar Open? ***
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
Who was Drunker *****
Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks!!"
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!
They all looked at each other for a moment.
Then the first gal says, "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog!!!"
Wife runs away with Best Friend ***
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing?" I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!"
Wife's Photograph ***
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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