DEATH & LATER -JOKES- PART 2

Hated each other ***
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old fool dig. I had him buried upside down."

Henry Ford & Adam in Heaven ****
Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities, asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors before him. So St. Peters printed out the list of all the inventors currently ( doing time ) in heaven.
As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name Adam.
He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peters confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women.
Ford requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.
When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him for the flaws in his invention.
"Your invention is the most stupid work of engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer. He works with the enormous data-banks and in a few minutes there is beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.
"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there are more men riding my product than yours."

Holy Priest went to Heaven ***
A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven.
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven!" "You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven. What can I grant you?"
"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."
St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!
The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, "Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"
"Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face."Well, I was really hoping for a girl."

Horrible Death *****
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me, I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Lawyer at the Pearly Gate ***
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Money's Worth ***
Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town, passed away.
His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"
"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."
Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."
The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. Since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."
"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."

Pat the Irishman ***
There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.
Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat: "Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven."
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling." He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.
Pat makes a U-Turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
"St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and an huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! *He's* the Boss's Son!"

Reincarnation ***
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? Oh, I'm not in Heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you, then?"
"I'm a bunny rabbit in Arizona, Martha."
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Religious Minister in Heaven ****
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who`s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I`m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it`s the minister`s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary`s for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Rented Tuxedo ***
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Reset the Trap ***
Goldstein and his wife are on a Caribbean cruise, when a huge wave sweeps Mrs. Goldstein overboard. A search doesn't find her body.
Goldstein, heartbroken, returns to New York.
A few weeks later, he gets a cable " We have located your wife's body. Also found a huge pearl, three inches in diameter, formed in her vagina. Please instruct."
Goldstein cables back: "Send me the pearl, and reset the trap."

Royal Flush ****
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St.Peter must decide which of them gets in.
St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".
Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

Sara Pipalini ****
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

She'll be Missed ****
Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.
She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".
The old woman fainted.

Smiling Corpses *****
Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.
"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."
He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having oral sex with Trudy-May."
Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."
"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"
"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

Three Pastors in Heaven ***
Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van blew a tyre and skidded across the cliffside road, and went over the cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.
At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.
Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, "You hypocrite!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...' 'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir, That's true..."
"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!" And the couple went shamefully on their way.
St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married a woman named 'Sherry', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.
"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate, either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.
"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.
The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', Fanny."
(Note to US readers - UK version of 'Fanny' - as in 'Pussy', not 'Butt')

Three Rooms to Choose from ***
A guy dies and is sent to hell. He's met by a devil who explains the rules:
"We have three rooms. If you don't like the first room, you can go look at the other two, but you can't go back to the first."
The devil takes the guy to the first room. Inside people are standing upside down on hot coals. The guy wipes his brow to clear the sweat and says "Nope... Not for me!"
The devil then takes him to the second room and warns him before he opens the door, says, "If you don't like it here, you must take the third and final room."
The devil opens the door and inside people are standing on their heads in molten lava. Again the guy wipes his brow and says, "Nope... Not for me, either."
Finally, the devil brings him to the third and last room. Inside people are standing knee-deep in shit, drinking coffee. "Hey I lucked out," the guy says. "These people seem nice. I like coffee and I can probably get used to the smell. I'll take this one."
Five minutes later, the same devil returns and shouts out, "Coffee break's over! Everybody back on your heads!"

Two Assholes ***
Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to come and try to I.D. the body. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yeh, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body, and Billy-Joe looked at him and said, "Yeh, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-joe looked down at his ass and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yeh, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"

Two Evil Brothers ***
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Visiting Hell ****
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one."
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later......
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

White and a Black Man in Hell ***
A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment.
The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants, and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and it slowly and painfully melted away.
With the white man laying on the ground in pain the black man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants, and, with a smirk on his face he did.
Then the devil grabbed a hold of his penis... nothing happened, and the black man begun to laugh.
The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny.
The black man replied, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hands."