CHILDRED/KIDS (H-P)-(Thanks to my source)

Homework ****
Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying.
Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they do learn. It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed. She then said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come down and talk to me."

I know the Whole Truth ****
At school a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

Got Teeth Down There ****
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HECK NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No I don't," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

Lawyer in the Cemetery ***
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Leaf from the Bible ***
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:"I think it's Adam's suit!"

Learning ABC ***
The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.
The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead.
Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "Bitch." Instead, she calls on little Joey.
"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"
"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.
Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."
Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"

Letter to GOD USA ****
A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Lick That ***
Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"

Like Father, Like Son ***
Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Little Leprechaun ***
A little boy was in the school's bathroom. He found there was no toilet paper so he used his hand. When he got back to his classroom the teacher asked what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
The teacher couldn't get him to open his hand and sent him to the principal who also asked what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent home with a note asking to see his parents, so his mom asked him what he had in his hand.
"A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room. In a while his dad came in and asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
Again came the reply, "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
His dad ordered him to open his hand, and as he did so the boy said, "Oh no, Dad, look; you scared the shit out of him!"

Little Red Wagon ***
This little boy got a little red wagon for his birthday. Everywhere he went he pulled his little red wagon. One day, as he was walking by the church, his wagon got stuck in the mud.
Little boy: "Damn fuckin wagon! Motherfucker!!! Getting stuck in the fuckin mud!!!!......"
As he was cursing the wagon up and down, the priest came out of the church
Priest: "Little boy you shouldnt say naughty words....God is all around you."
LIttle boy: " He is???? Is he over there??"
Priest " Yes he is"
Little boy: "Is he behind me??"
Priest: " Um-hmm"
Little boy " Is he in front of me ??"
Priest: "Yes"
Little boy :"Is he even in my little red wagon??"
Priest: "Of course"
Little boy: "Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!!!"

Lost Dad ***
A little lad was lost in a vast crowd at the football stadium,
A policeman saw him crying and asked him what was wrong. "I've lost my dad" he whined, the policeman looked about.
Then said to the boy, "what's he like"
The lad replied "Beer and women"

Making a Sandwich ***
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having intercourse. The little boy asks his mom, "Momma, momma, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich."
Then they pass two dogs having intercourse and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said " Mommy, Daddy, y'all must be making a sandwich because, Momma has Mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

Making a Sandwich ****
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out," She screams out..."I can't get pregnant...aaahhhhhhhh"!
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face.

Naughty Boy ***
A boy sees his grandfather having a pee.
He says, "My daddy's got two of those.
He's got a small one like you for peeing through, and he's got a great big one he uses to clean mummy's teeth with.

Need a Lantern ***
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

New Words ***
A little boy came home from school one day and told his mother "Mom, today I heard some older kids using some words I don't know the meaning of. Can you tell me what they mean?"
"Sure" his mother said, "Just tell me what they are."
The little boy replied "Pussy and bitch."
His mother said "No problem. A pussy is a cat, like the neighbor's Tabby, and a bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
The boy thanked his mother, and then went out to the garage, where his father was working.
"Dad" he began "Today I heard some kids using some words that I don't know the meaning of. I asked Mom, but I don't think that she gave me the right answer. Can you help me?"
"Sure" his father replied "What are the words?" "Pussy and bitch" the boy replied.
His father said "I thought I told you any time you have a question like that, you were supposed to ask me, and not your mother, because she cant handle it."
With that, he reached up on a shelf and pulled down an edition of Playboy magazine, and a Magic Marker. He then took the marker, and drew a circle around the woman's genital area. "Son" he began "everything inside this circle is a pussy."
"Okay, his son said, "but what is a bitch."
His father said "Everything outside this circle"

Obese Lady ****
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.
Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off.
Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"

Pedophile **
A man comes home from work one day to find his girlfriend at the front with her bags packed and ready to leave.
The man asks, "why are you leaving?" she replies "word around the neighborhood is that you're a pedophile."
He answers "That's a pretty big word for a six year old.

Plating a Truck Driver ***
Billy (age 5) is sitting on his front porch steps playing a game. With one arm he's holding a cat, the other hand is full of M&M's. To play this game Billy starts at the top of the steps. He eats a couple M&M's, bites the cat, then moves down a step. Eats some more M&M's, bites the cat & moves down a step. When Billy gets to the bottom of the steps he goes back to the top and starts over.
Inside the house Billy's mother is watching him. She sticks her head out the window and asks Billy what he's doing.
Billy replies, "Mommy I'm playing Truck Driver."
Confused by the answer she has Billy explain how he figures he's playing Truck Driver.
Billy replies, "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and movin on!!"

Potential and Reality ****
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."